Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize