Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's official drugs can't kill me
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
