Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
