So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.