do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
someone owes me an orgasm
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.