I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize