He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.