Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
