I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
