I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
