I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
