Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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