May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
