I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
