After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
