Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
