At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
