Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
