He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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