Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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