I hate your face
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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