just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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