I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
