I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think pants incapable of making pants work
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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