shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
