I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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