Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
