This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
