I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
