I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
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i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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