never play flip cup with pint glasses
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
