I just saw a hot homeless man
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
