I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
