I'm eating all of the evidence.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
