the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
