You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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