hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It's Friday. Sex?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
