I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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