Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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