You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
