it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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