I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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