best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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