Just fell off a train. Bad.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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