Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
