dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
