i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
