It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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