My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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