those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
