My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
