I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
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Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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