i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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