I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.