my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
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Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
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Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto