Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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