Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
