mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
