Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
