I think I won the penis lottery.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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