Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
