Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
