I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
