You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
